SETI League Press Release
PITTSBURGH, PA.., 1 July 2009 -- For the first time, top scientists in the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI) have announced solid evidence supporting the controversial theory that intelligent life once roamed the surface of planet Earth, mere dozens of years ago. Even more startling is the assertion made by some of those same scientists (but disputed by others) that such intelligence may survive to this day, deep within subterranean cubicles and warm office vents.
The first circumstantial evidence of this promising discovery came yesterday, as noted radio astronomer Dr. Tara Princeton Jilter was addressing a group of students at the National Radio Astronomy Observatory in Green Bank, WV. Jilter, best known for her Oscar-winning portrayal of actress Jodie Foster in the blockbuster film "Contract," observed that, at least on this particular occasion, no child was discernibly left behind.
Psychologist Dr. Dag Vockish, who specializes in inter-species message construction, immediately began seeking dialog with the students. "This task was complicated," Vockish noted, "by the likelihood that the subjects in question were, in fact, teen-agers, so that their communications patterns were truly alien."
One major breakthrough was a positive result announced by SETIonLine chief scientist Hymie Danworth, whose 7 million volunteer hackers have been surfing the Web for the past ten years, in an effort to infer intelligent patterns in the Airline Scheduling Algorithm. In New Jersey, industrialist Frack Richter, who founded the non-solvent SETI Cabal, Inc. in the wake of NASA's ill-timed decision to retire the Space Shuttle, the International Space Station, the Hubble Space Telescope, and the secret moon base, pointed out that such a momentous discovery would never have been possible with Government sponsorship.
Several SETI Cabal co-conspirators met to compare findings today in Pittsburgh, at the annual gathering of Mensa, an underground society that has long toiled in secret to foster intelligence, while trying to escape the notice of powerful and sinister forces within the American educational system.
Dr. Stock Sethshack, public spokesman for the non-related SETI Institution in Valley View CA, had predicted such a result "any day now" at conferences in Shanghai in 1982, Cairo in 1986, Sri Lanka in 1990, Perth in 1994, Las Vegas in 1996 (and again there in 1999), Paris in 2003, Durban in 2005, Dehli in 2007, and last month in Anaheim, Azusa, and Cucamonga.
"This result has been long in coming," noted Dr. Drake Francis, the venerable scientist who is credited with inventing modern SETI. "I only wish that Oliver Barnie and Morris Philipson had lived to see this day." Francis devoted nearly a century of his life to an unsuccessful search for intelligence in the writings of Nicola Tesla.
"It is understandable that we were hesitant to step forward and reveal our findings," one SETI scientist said on condition of anonymity. "We have harbored very real fears that a public announcement of this magnitude might well lead to militarization of our research efforts. However, this concern must be balanced against the slim but exciting probability that publication might attract support for even more important follow-on research: the discovery of intelligent life in Washington."
This work of satire was made possible by generous financial support from absolutely nobody.
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